My Back Is Against the Wall

Today was the last day that I look for an engineering job. I called a couple of places. I think I'm gonna try working at Harper so I'll get paid for some schooling to become an auto mechanic.

After thought about going to college:
I think I fucked up pretty badly. I assumed that I was gonna be better off by going to school. It usually is. But it's not garuanteed. I assumed this because that's what everyone told me to do since I was a child. It's not true. I wasted a lot of my life learning stuffs that I'll never need. It fucking pisses me off. I could've done something else. I could've done something funner. I should've quit school when I realized that I don't like studying something that I'm not interested in. I chickened out. I just followed the crowd.

I want to have a work lined up before I quit on June 10th. Otherwise, I have to become a homeless. I'm not going to apply for unemployment.

I heard that Japan played really good against Germany. It's just a training match, but I think I'm confident that we have finally found our national style. The players can make decisions really fast. Combine that with accurate passing and we have out really 'fast' movement of the ball. Not that our players are fast, but the build up of the team is extremely fast.

I think that Japan will dazzle the heck out of the world with our style. But unfortunately it doesn't guarantee that we'll win too many games. But I don't think it's as important as showing the world that we have a style. I think it's entertaining. I like the way the team plays.

Point of View

I'm finally starting to realize that I'm not gonna get a job as an engineer. I used to take certain things for granted like insurance, money, health etc... But now that I'm gonna be working crappy jobs and making shit for living, I need to start thinking about these stuffs. I used to think that it kinda sounds cool to be making barely enough money to pay for my rent and food, but it's not really cool anymore that I'm finally starting to realize that this is what I will be doing for the rest of my life.

Oh well, I tried and got this far, but I guess this is the end. Not like I'm really that smart anyways. I probably fit in more working at a construction site than sitting in an office as an engineer. This is where I belong.

Moderately Depressed

I don't usually talk to people. Like I'm ashamed of something. People can see it on my face. That I'm a coward. It's true that depressed people make other people feel depressed. I guess a lot of people pretend like they're happy and care about a lot of things so they don't look depressed. I don't really have any motives to pretend like I'm someone else. So I don't. A lot of people think that I'm rude. But I don't really care. Why da fuck should I care about other people.

No job prospects. Less than one week to go. I don't want to end up doing things that I hate for the rest of my life. But I feel powerless. It makes me feel like I lost my war against the world. All my life I tried to prove that they're wrong. But in reality, they crushed me like I didn't even exist. But I don't really care because I don't live in their world. Fuck that shit.

No Game

Got an email from a guy I used to know from school. I don't really know the whole story, but he had to go through some rough circumstances that almost killed him. It kind of surprised me because I never thought that he was a kind of person who takes things that seriously. It reminded me that I can never know how people are deep inside.

No progress on the job search. Time is running out and I'm a bit nervous.

Be Careful

Played soccer Sunday. The team played a lot better than the last two games. But we had to forfeit the game cuz our goalie wasn't registered in the league, and the referee found out during half time. Bummer...

Anyways, went got drunk at the forest preserve later that day. I got really fucked up. I haven't got that drunk in about two years.

Some job prospects, but all from recruiters who don't give a shit except for making money.

I guess I'll end up painting roofs or something.

But I'm still trying. One more week and that's it.

About Skill Level

Played soccer Thursday with some people I didn't know. I played horrible. It made me feel like shit. I guess I've been having this misguided confidence about my ability recently. I haven't got that much better. It's just that I've been playing with some people who aren't as good as the people that I used to play with. I feel like shit for thinking that I'm better than some people. I'm not that good. There are a lot of people who are better than me. I have to be careful not to have some weird confidence about my ability. Because there's always gonna be someone who is better than me.

My left eye is still blurred.

No inquiries about jobs. I'm kinda nervous.
I have set May 31st as my deadline for finding an engineering job. I have been going to libraries after work to send out resume's. I haven't had much time to sleep.

Lost

One more week till I find an engineering job. And it's unlikely that I'll find one. But I'll try for one more week. And that's it. No more wasting time trying to get something that I can't get.

I have to realize that I'm not good enough. It's somewhat comforting to know that I can finally stop trying. For as long as I can remember, I've always thought that I don't deserve anything good. I think the thought became tangible for the first time when I met M. I don't blame her, but sometimes I wish that I'd never met her.

It makes me feel like shit. I can't get what I want.

It's just that I don't want to become a slave for the system.

Canceled

The soccer game was canceled for today. So I'm just reading the "Wind Energy Explained" at a library.

I've been applying to a lot of job since I set up a time limit.
I wonder what I'll end up doing if I can't find a job in one month.
I'll just concentrate on finding an engineering job for now and think about the other options in three weeks.

Slave

I used to think that I'll get to do whatever I want for the rest of my life. Recently, some certain materialistic necesities have forced me to abandon this wishful thinking. Now I barely make enough to eat and sleep, and I spend my life doing shit that I don't care about. I work like an ant so some rich mother fuckers can make more money. I waste my life everyday. And it seems like this is what most people end up doing. I guess that I was too scared to become estranged from the 'normal' society. Instead, I decided to become a slave to prolong my miserable life.

I should never forget this.

Nothing Has Changed

Took the train Downtown and got me a new nationality.
Yeah, I'm a citizen now. I don't really care except that it might give me a better chance of finding a job. The weather was really crappy. I guess the weather is gonna be bad for another two weeks.

I informed my supervisor that I'm gonna quit on June 10th.
I've decided to give it another month before I find a job, and I'll stop looking.
Also the World Cup starts on the 9th. I hope to be unemployed for at least 2 weeks.

I've been thinking of finding a field engineer job in Iraq. It should pay me pretty good at least.

Various Moments

Worked Saturday morning from 5 to 12. Went home, took shower, and headed to the airfield. Met bunch of people that I hadn't seen in a while. The weather is starting to get better, I reckoned. Went up in the L-13 with Dave, an instructor. I did a lot better on take off. But got too low while boxing the wake. We stayed up for about two hours. Went up to about 6200ft MSL. And headed to Union and then to Hampshire. I wished if I had an audio vario. My head was spinning by the time I came down. But learned that I needed to bank a bit more during thermalling to stay in. Had two beers after I landed and I developed a pretty optimistic perspect on life for the rest of the afternoon.

On Sunday, I went played soccer for the league. We lost 2-1, although it could've easily been 5-1. I started out as the usual defensive midfielder position, but I had to go play right defender when the guy rolled his ankle. I played pretty miserably. I felt pretty down after the game, and I went through the usual 'I am the worst creature in the universe, and I was born to kill myself' mode. After the game, everyone was talking about what we should do to fix the problems, but I think the problem is just the lack of fundamental techniques. If it takes me three touches to control the ball, there's a good chance that I'll lose the ball and even more chance that I won't have time to pass the ball. I have to get better at controlling the ball. The problem is not complicated. Of course, I didn't realise this while I was playing. I think I could've done better if I just relaxed a little more. I wanna play as a forward next time.

Went saw 'Scary Movie 4' with Raul after the game. This somewhat successfully neutralized my depression for a bit.

As for the job situation, I have decided to look for an engineering job for one more month, and if I don't find one in a month, I'll find a new job regardless. This time something that I can build as a career. I suddenly decided on this plan while trying to figure out a way to watch the World Cup that will start in exactly one month from today.

Left Eye

I haven't flown in three weeks. The weather or work hasn't been cooperative recently. I've been having this fantasy about living in an abandoned airfield in a desert in central Asia and flying gliders. Escape from reality.

My left eye is blurry. I think some chemical got in my eye at work. Or maybe because I've been wearing a safety glass that has a big stain on the left side.

Played soccer at Wings Park on Tuesday with some random people. Bad luck for them that I showed up. I didn't play too well. And kneed some dude in the leg pretty badly. I hope he's not hurt that badly. I bruised my left knee also. It seems like it's swallen and messing up something behind my knee. No big deal though. Can't wait till the game on Sunday.

I read an article on the web about Shinji Ono the other day. It basically said that he turned into an arrogant midfielder who is too lazy to defend and just satisfied by making long beautiful passes couple of times a game. I saw a lot of similarities (just the bad parts) that I can relate to in my game. I should concentrate more when I'm marking up on defense, and I shouldn't always think about making 'big' passes. I can be more useful for the team if I play a more simple game.

Visibility

I skipped work today. I think it's a success so far. We made it visible what we represent. It's true that most people don't know what they have until they lose it. I know of some companies who treat their workers like shit. I hope that this will force those companies to take a look at what they'll lose if these workers are deported. I fucking hate the corporate people. They think everything is legal if it's for making more money.

I would' be crossing the border if I was in their situation. I don't understand how some people can tell them to leave.