To S

I think about you the every moment that I exist. You are the reason that I still exist. I wish that I'd never met you. I wish that I'd never known who you are. I wish that you'll forget that I exist.

Opportunities

I'm having hard time sleeping at night because I can't stop thinking about S.

Chicago

I had four phone inquiries today and a few more e-mail inquiries. I was starting to get a bit nervous, one of them might work out. If it does work out, I'll have to leave this city.

I still wonder if it's worth it.

I'm still trying to deceive myself.

4-4

We tied today 4-4. I've decided to quit playing soccer.

I'm going to find a drafter job or a factory job somewhere next week.

I've lost interest in a lot of things. I don't find much purpose in continuing on the things that I've done.

I feel like I lived my life the way I felt like, and this is where I ended up.

I Have Responsibility

I'm frustrated about not finding a job. I guess I should settle for a job to get some income while I learn new things that'll make me more useful for the other people to make money off of.

I'm pretty decided on not playing soccer this year. Or maybe forever. I think that playing soccer had saved me from a lot of things, but I think it also has the power to destroy me. I feel like I should walk away before it does.

I want to move to another city where no one knows me.

Outcast

I realized recently that I can't write in Japanese anymore. Oh well, who cares. I don't need to anyways.

I've been translating the Johan Cruijff's column on "El Periodico," and it's been working out well. It makes me feel good when I sometimes actually understand what people are saying at the game in Cicero. But I'll probably need to keep doing this for another couple of years to really be able to speak Spanish.

I have a job interview tomorrow for the traveling electrician job. We'll see how it goes, but I'm not expecting anything since I've never been an electrician. Plus the job is in middle of no where in Minnesota. Maybe they have an engineering job lying about somewhere. Who knows. I'm not really expecting anything, but we'll see how it goes.

I met S yesterday even though I didn't want to talk to her for the next decade or so. I didn't bring up any serious conversations. I think she was happy to see that I pretended like I'm not going to start hitting on her.

Things that are irrelevant keeps me alive

I talked to a recruiter last week. One job is about an hour from the city. One job in Colorado and other one in New York.

I talked to another recruiter yesterday. It's a technician job, but it's in the industry that I wanna work in. It's a traveling job.

I want to move out of the city before I have to see S again.

We won our fifth consecutive game last Saturday. I don't really value the record much because I don't think I'm any better player than before. But I'm starting to make better decisions than before. I'm more relaxed, I think.

I somehow realized today that I want to be able to make correct judgments and be more decisive on whatever I do.

P.S.

I visited the Postsecret for the first time in two years.

I think what I know now that I didn't know before is that I never told anyone.
I don't think it would've changed the outcomes, but maybe I would've been better off if I did.

I don't know how long this will last. I have to deal with this. I go through this for forever because I don't give much value to my own existence. Because I think she's reasonable for thinking that there's someone better than me. Because I think how she feels about me is not relevant to how I feel about her. And it doesn't make sense to me that I change because of how she feels about me. So I keep thinking of her the same way until I convince myself that it's OK to move on.

I wish that I didn't know anything.
I wish that I've never met anyone.
I wish that I can be indifferent about everything that I know now.
I want to move to a place where there are no people.

no title

Let it go.

I started reading Johan Cruijff's blog on El Periodico de Cataluna.

It took me about 3 hours to read one post, but I think it's a start. I'm doing this because of S. Not that it's meant for her. It's because she's influenced me in a very positive way.

I think she's smart, beautiful, and brave. I admire her.

To Escape

I've decided to move to another city.

In this regard, I haven't learned anything for the last 6 years.

I want to be indifferent about everything.

Wisdom and Courage

I got drunk on Friday. I was depressed all day yesterday.

I realized yesterday that I've never had any positive relationships before.
I'd rather not get to know anybody if it ends up hurting me.

I've got a new key word to live by yesterday.

What If

What is the most important thing to you in this world?

What if you have to decide.

If I leave this city, it means that I'm telling all these people that they're not the most important thing in my life.

I hope to think that it'll give me more strength to hold on to what's important to me in the future.

But is this the right thing to do?

For what?

Proof

I wonder what it take to prove that I think she's the most important person in the world to me.

I have an idea.

And I'm just a chicken shit.

Reset

I feel like this is the right thing to do, but I don't know why I came to that conclusion. Maybe I just don't remember.

I think a lot of this self-hatred is based on my selfish expectations that I put on others and myself. I refused to trust anyone, and that lead to shutting off a lot of basic communication with people around me. When I do decide to make any exception, and selfishly decide to impose expectations onto someone or myself, I often find the outcome to be different than what I thought it would be. This usually leads to even lesser communication with others or lesser self-confidence. The worst thing is that I tend to stop communication with certain people from the fear of developing expectations.

I'm feeling the same way that I felt five years ago when I met M. It took me about five years for me to forget what happened. What a waste of time.

Next Life

I feel like shit.

1. Go to Bristol
2. Go to school
3. Find an engineering job
4. Find a factory job

Why is it that I keep making the same mistake over and over again?

I'd already known that I'll be the most unhappy person in the world if my happiness relied on other people's happiness.

I want to live in a place where there are no people.

10 years

It's been ten years since I got out of high school. It's been ten years since I joined the Army.

I think I'm more or less the same person that I used to be ten years ago.

The antenna installation project went well. I've decided to go get my masters degree. I don't know how I'd pay for it though. I still rather get the experience working, but the chance of me getting a job like that is slim.

Anyways, I'm gonna work part-time at the same place till I start school.

I asked the girl out to go to the Brazilian national team practice. Surprisingly, she said sure. But it didn't go too well. I want to talk to her more cuz she's interesting.

The Time that You Wait Is a Time that You Waste

The project I've been working on has been pushed back a month. This will push back me quitting for another month. It's getting harder and harder for me to go to work everyday.

I went to the glider field on Saturday. Had two instruction flights with Mike and one flight with Dick M. Both in the L-23. The first two flights went well except that I dove for about 200 feet after I recovered from a spin. I really have to watch my speed when I'm in the pattern. It gets me nervous about slipping in the pattern, but I'm starting to get a hang of flying the ship. For the third flight, I did the takeoff, but I over controlled on the aileron, and I went through some serious flapping motions before Dick took over from me. That was one of the worst takeoffs that I've done in a while. I should've been using the rudder as much as possible until I get enough control on the ailerons, but I was trying to control the aircraft with the ailerons instead. I knew this stuff a year ago, but i've forgotten a lot of it.

My goal this year is to be able to take up my friends in the L-23, but it will be a while for me to catch up to where I used to be.

I started playing with the soccer team close to where I live. I quit the other team cuz they're a bunch of whiners. If Mikie decides to form another team, I'll join them. But for now, I'll play with these people. The players in this team have better understanding of the game. And I learn things everytime I go to their practice. Also, there's a girl in the team who plays really good. She plays like she's making moves with thoughts and intentions. Not like me who just does whatever I feel like will work. I kind of admire the girl because she can do this, and I can't. I hope to think that I'm special in my own way, and I don't want to change my game, but I feel that I need more thoughts behind my actions.