Back to the Routines

I started applying for jobs again. I guess I knew from the start that I'm not too useful for the thing that I'm interested in. Great.

I want to disappear into the background and delete all the evidences of my existence from the world.

I guess I'll just keep doing what I feel like doing and hope that it'll work out. I don't really care if it will work out or not, to be honest. I just want to keep doing what I want to do.

Toure Yaya

I've been playing soccer for about 6 years now, and it seems that I'm useful as a defensive midfielder more so than the other positions. I like players like Toure Yaya, Makelele, Edmilson, Rafa Marquez, and Michael Essien who can distribute the ball and has solid defensive abilities.

I think the reason why I'm interested in playing this position is that they have the ability to select the overall attacking option as a team and to fill the 'vital' spaces that pop up on the field during defense. I think these decisions require the player to have an accurate grasp of how the team is positioned against the other team along with knowing the options and abilities of your teammates in each situation. The important effect of the players with this 'distribution role' is that the speed of attack as a team is depended on how fast the player plays the ball.

I probably seem to be a good candidate for these things because I can settle the ball and distribute to other players on the field. Maybe it's just that a lot of people want to always move the ball forward, but I sometimes choose to play the ball anywhere to keep possession of the ball. I think it's important to move the ball up the field as fast as it's necessary, but I often see the team trying to play the ball faster than they're capable of which leads to losing grasp of the game.

I'm starting to get the hang of moving into spaces to receive the ball. It makes things a lot easier because it buys me a lot more options to select the next play from.

Middle of Nowhere

So I had this interview on Friday with a company that's in the industry that I'm interested in. It's not an engineering job. And the job is in middle of nowhere. Their job site is about 2 hours drive from any major city. Sounds like a perfect job for me. I'll probably find out in a few days if they hire me or not.

I don't know what I'll do if I don't get this job. I want to move to a different city.

Outcast

I realized recently that I can't write in Japanese anymore. Oh well, who cares. I don't need to anyways.

I've been translating the Johan Cruijff's column on "El Periodico," and it's been working out well. It makes me feel good when I sometimes actually understand what people are saying at the game in Cicero. But I'll probably need to keep doing this for another couple of years to really be able to speak Spanish.

I have a job interview tomorrow for the traveling electrician job. We'll see how it goes, but I'm not expecting anything since I've never been an electrician. Plus the job is in middle of no where in Minnesota. Maybe they have an engineering job lying about somewhere. Who knows. I'm not really expecting anything, but we'll see how it goes.

I met S yesterday even though I didn't want to talk to her for the next decade or so. I didn't bring up any serious conversations. I think she was happy to see that I pretended like I'm not going to start hitting on her.

7-4

Won again today 7-4 against the second best team in the league (we have the best record so far). Our record is now 6 wins and a tie and 0 loss. It was a very close game till the end. They scored the first goal after ten minutes, but it was good on our part that we tied it within a couple of minutes. It could've been their game if we let it slip a bit longer.

I think I need to be a bit more aggressive on defense sometimes. Again, I got tired too soon. I've been running for a while now, but I'm starting to realize that maybe I need to do more sprints or get my heart rate maxed out to get more stamina. I need to work on thinking continuously about what to do next. I always start to lose concentration when I get tired. I want to fix that. And I need to learn to move with the ball more effectively. I always stop when I get the ball.

I guess everything is OK now that we're winning, but I want to know exactly what we're doing so well. I used to think that that there are three reasons why we're winning. One reason is that we have two new players who are really good. One is solid on defense and the other is a solid midfielder who can score. The second reason is that we have players who show up every week, and we've always had enough subs except for the one game we tied. The third is that we are really good at transitioning from defense to offense. It's because we now have defenders who can keep the ball a bit and make good passes to start the attack.

Things that are irrelevant keeps me alive

I talked to a recruiter last week. One job is about an hour from the city. One job in Colorado and other one in New York.

I talked to another recruiter yesterday. It's a technician job, but it's in the industry that I wanna work in. It's a traveling job.

I want to move out of the city before I have to see S again.

We won our fifth consecutive game last Saturday. I don't really value the record much because I don't think I'm any better player than before. But I'm starting to make better decisions than before. I'm more relaxed, I think.

I somehow realized today that I want to be able to make correct judgments and be more decisive on whatever I do.

P.S.

I visited the Postsecret for the first time in two years.

I think what I know now that I didn't know before is that I never told anyone.
I don't think it would've changed the outcomes, but maybe I would've been better off if I did.

I don't know how long this will last. I have to deal with this. I go through this for forever because I don't give much value to my own existence. Because I think she's reasonable for thinking that there's someone better than me. Because I think how she feels about me is not relevant to how I feel about her. And it doesn't make sense to me that I change because of how she feels about me. So I keep thinking of her the same way until I convince myself that it's OK to move on.

I wish that I didn't know anything.
I wish that I've never met anyone.
I wish that I can be indifferent about everything that I know now.
I want to move to a place where there are no people.

no title

Let it go.

I started reading Johan Cruijff's blog on El Periodico de Cataluna.

It took me about 3 hours to read one post, but I think it's a start. I'm doing this because of S. Not that it's meant for her. It's because she's influenced me in a very positive way.

I think she's smart, beautiful, and brave. I admire her.

To Escape

I've decided to move to another city.

In this regard, I haven't learned anything for the last 6 years.

I want to be indifferent about everything.

Wisdom and Courage

I got drunk on Friday. I was depressed all day yesterday.

I realized yesterday that I've never had any positive relationships before.
I'd rather not get to know anybody if it ends up hurting me.

I've got a new key word to live by yesterday.