To S

I think about you the every moment that I exist. You are the reason that I still exist. I wish that I'd never met you. I wish that I'd never known who you are. I wish that you'll forget that I exist.

More

I had two interviews this week. Neither is really what I've been looking for. One of them offered me a position already. I told them no thanks. I guess it's not time yet to make the same mistake of getting a job for money. I have to start worrying about money soon, but maybe not for another month or so. I'm going to ask the other company if I can work as a contractor with less pay to start out. I honestly can't picture myself working there for too long, but I need to find some income. Hopefully I learn new things that'll get me closer to where I'm going.

They finally shipped the Liberator Hi-Lok wrench that I ordered last November as a gift for a mechanic that I worked with. I also sent my resume to the mod center to see if they want to hire me. I may have realized this too late, but after going to interviews for some companies in totally unrelated industries than aviation or wind energy, I came to realize that I'd like to eventually come back to the aviation field. I think working at a mod center will give me a lot more exposure to the things in the aviation field. I'd much rather be a mechanic than working CAD models in an office.

Life in Sequence

1978 - Born
1989 - Moved to another country
1997 - Army
1998 - Haiti
2000 - Started school
2001 - M
2002 - Last saw M
2005 - Glider
2006 - Work
2007 - Quit work, S
2008 - Present

Opportunities

I'm having hard time sleeping at night because I can't stop thinking about S.

Destination

I don't know why I exist.

Chicago

I had four phone inquiries today and a few more e-mail inquiries. I was starting to get a bit nervous, one of them might work out. If it does work out, I'll have to leave this city.

I still wonder if it's worth it.

I'm still trying to deceive myself.

Yesterday

I realized yesterday that I don't mind being judged.

I just don't like to be misunderstood.

I Don't Understand Why

I sent out like 10 job applications. None has replied.
I don't understand why. Somebody tell me why.

I'm thinking of buying a car. Honda Civic. Used.
If I do, I need to find a job SOON...

I cooked Indian style chicken curry and chickpea stuff. I've been eating it for the last three days. I wanna eat something else, but I think I have enough left over to last me about three more days.

Went to the conservatory again. They had a new fern room open. I read "Wind Energy Explained" sitting in the big fern room.

I think I'll go visit the zoo again next week.

Sweet Days

So I quit the soccer team and told them that I won't be playing the next season.

I don't know why, but I'm running out of money rapidly. I've applied to some drafter jobs, but no one has called me yet.

I Used to Hate People in General

I used to hate people in general. Now I'm just anti-social. I avoid people altogether.

I noticed today that I usually get depressed the day after I drink alcohol.

I think I lost a bit of weight. I can't tell for sure because I don't own a scale.

I've been noticing recently that I sometimes lose control of myself due to anger.
It's scary. When someone pisses me off, I want to destroy the person.

4-4

We tied today 4-4. I've decided to quit playing soccer.

I'm going to find a drafter job or a factory job somewhere next week.

I've lost interest in a lot of things. I don't find much purpose in continuing on the things that I've done.

I feel like I lived my life the way I felt like, and this is where I ended up.

I Have Responsibility

I'm frustrated about not finding a job. I guess I should settle for a job to get some income while I learn new things that'll make me more useful for the other people to make money off of.

I'm pretty decided on not playing soccer this year. Or maybe forever. I think that playing soccer had saved me from a lot of things, but I think it also has the power to destroy me. I feel like I should walk away before it does.

I want to move to another city where no one knows me.

Grasp

I want to have more control over what I do. I noticed that sometimes I go for a couple of days without talking to anyone without even noticing about it.

I sometimes think that I'm obsessed with happiness.

King of Pain

We had our first loss of the season on Saturday. I was pretty depressed for most of the week before the game, and I was considering not playing soccer anymore. I wasn't going to play on Saturday because I didn't want to talk to anyone, but I changed my mind at the last minute and decided to play. I really felt like shit after the game.I skipped out on the game on Sunday.

Went to a restaurant called Las Gaviotas with a teammate on Sunday. Soon as I sat down, I noticed why he brought me there. The food was good too. I talked about the game we lost and joked around about stupid shit. At the end of the day, I kind of got myself back together. I'm grateful for how people save me and trust in me that I'll be OK.